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VUX
QUOTES
Oh no! It's one of those ultra-gross humans again! Quick, hide your eye! AGGH! Look at the pulpy red thing in its mouth how it wriggles and writhes like a wet blood worm and plays over the hard white nubs that protrude from its headbone! I think I'm going to be sick. Ah Human visitors! What a treat! I am Admiral ZEX. Please do not be frightened. Unlike the rest of my species, I... enjoy humans. You may know me by reputation, my leadership of VUX forces during the war with your Alliance. I assure you that this behavior, a sad necessity of those times, belies a much kinder, gentler being. Please be welcome! We can get to know one another... expand our interspecies relationship. But wait. How silly of me. You aren't here for polite repartee. You have come for my Shofixti Maidens. Why I am so blessed! My favorite friends, the humans, are back. Captain, it is good to see you again. You Humans are so interesting, so... beautiful. You know, I have many pictures of your species! I keep them on my walls to... inspire me. Captain! You are back so soon! We had better be discreet (hee! hee!), or my countrymen will begin whispering about us. Luscious, robust human... I have eagerly awaited your return. Captain! You escaped after all! How remarkable! Human... we should be friends, not enemies! The scope of our relationship can grow as close as you wish. What are you doing here, Admiral ZEX?Ah, such a good question! But you always were a bright species.I will explain. After the Great War, in which I played some small part the VUX high council, in recognition for my services granted me this planet, so that I might pursue my... hobby without disturbing the general VUX populace. I am a collector, you see. I have the finest menagerie of... beautiful... creatures in all space. A menagerie? Is this a collection of animals, like a zoo?Animals? Hee! Hee! Hee! Oh, no, Captain! Not mere animals!My menagerie contains only the most... beautiful... creatures in the galaxy! Each of my children, as I like to call them, has a wonderful set of traits which make them unique and special... especially to me! I have a complete variety of beasts from as far away as Procyon and Vega. No, this is not just some `zoo'! I have worked diligently for many years to craft my menagerie, gradually to improve it. Perhaps you can't tell, but I am rather proud of it! Alas, there is one creature, one GORGEOUS animal which I do not yet possess. I would give almost ANYTHING for that creature, Captain. If we went and got this little critter for you, would you give us the Shofixti Maidens?Hmmm... what an interesting proposal!I never would have thought of such a wonderful idea myself. You are a genius, Captain! The answer to your question is, `yes'! I accept your offer. Deliver the creature to me, and I shall give you the Shofixti Maidens. I will even provide you with a clue to finding the creature's native planet! My source for this information is an ancient wildlife handbook written millenia ago by some unknown alien author. The pertinent passage goes as follows `... demise, It(!) basks in yellow light within the eight star constellation of Linch-Nas-Ploh.' We have translated `Linch-Nas-Ploh' to mean approximately `the snake-like creature who has swallowed the elephantine beast.' I am afraid this is all that I know. I hope it is sufficient. Would you tell me again where I can find that creature you want so badly?Certainly, my smooth-skinned friend!My source for this information is an ancient wildlife handbook written millenia ago by some unknown alien author. The pertinent passage goes as follows `... demise, It(!) basks in yellow light within the constellation Linch-Nas-Ploh.' We have translated `Linch-Nas-Ploh' to mean approximately `the long, thin creature who has swallowed the huge beast.' I am afraid this is all that I know. I hope it is sufficient. Admiral ZEX, we have captured the hideous beast from Delta Lyncis. Let us make an exchange.Ah, a most excellent piece of news! My chiton rasps and moistens with excitement!I have been looking forward to this for so long! Hee! Hee! Hee! My subordinates stand ready to receive the beast from your ship, Captain. Effect its transfer and then... we shall give you the Maidens you desire. Okay, the beast is ALL yours! But be careful, it's a killer!Ah! My new child is now on board. Such a big one, isn't he!?......and so frisky! I am delighted beyond words that you have given me the beast, Captain but I am afraid that there has been a slight change in our plans. Regrettable, but necessary. Oh, my beautiful, luscious human, I had thought that the hideous, violent monster you have just given me would complete my collection of Ugliness, my Menagerie of Monsters... I was wrong! YOU, my human love, are the most vile, the most fierce and wretched! My collection could never be complete without you. I need you, Captain but alas, I fear you will not give your consent willingly. Am I right? Therefore Sub-commander DAX, terminate communications... warm up my modified Intruder. Engage the Precursor warp nullifier. Hee! Hee! Hee!... prepare for battle! Sub-commander? Why has my main console become inoperative? The transmit mode is locked! What do you mean the central system computer is damaged? How!?... ...the Beast!?... Escaped!! No, Sub-Commander, this is impossible. It couldn't escape from our strongest containment system IT'S WHAT?!! Decks five and six?! Eleven Crewmen!! Sound the alarms, you fool! Where is it now?! Engineering, report!... Engineering?! Sub-Commander, seal Bulkhe-- Sub-Commander... are you listening to me? What are you staring at? PAY ATTENTION, Sub-Commander! Give me a report on its posit-- WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT!... behind me? WH- Wh- what- wh- AIEEEEEE!!! Ah, Admiral ZEX, aren't you forgetting something? The Shofixti Maidens?Oh yes, no problem. Even now my subordinates are bringing them up from the surface.So let's not waste time. Send that delightful beast over, immediately! Look, we believe in 1 for 1 trades. We will transfer the beast when we see the Maidens.Captain, Captain, we are both creatures of honor.If I say that the Shofixti Maidens are on their way up from the surface, then they are. You will have them shortly, accept my word... now please, Captain, the beast? Now see here ZEX! Humans and VUX have had a pretty stormy relationship. Why should we trust you?Really, Captain! My honor is impugned!You have maligned me and I am deeply hurt. I thought we had built some trust between us, different though we may be but no, I perceive now the same bigotry and misunderstanding which brought our two species to war! This was our chance to cement a good relationship between Human and VUX. With my influence, the High Council could easily have been swayed to view the Human cause in a more favorable light. Admiral ZEX, why don't you attack us, as all other VUX have?Because I like Humans, Captain. I respect and admire your species.I do not share the bigoted views of most of my people. Ah, Admiral ZEX? Why do you like us? We thought all VUX hated humans.No, No, not all VUX, Captain! Most... but not all.It is true that when the majority of my people view one of your species they are forced to regurgitate but there are those among us who have grown beyond such childishness to take a more liberal view. We, the few sophisticates, are not subject to the whims and fads of current fashion. Our likes and dislikes are strictly based on personal preference. We see the... beauty in you Humans. The value in a long-term... relationship. You are different, yes. But personally, I like difference. In fact, I ADORE it. Your physique is so wonderfully varied! Your many rigid appendages, your tiny double eyes your varied skin coloration, and the delightful patchwork of hair covering only parts of your bodies leaving other parts bare and smooth! Mmmmmm! I value your species, Captain. I see you as just `people'... like us VUX. Whoa, Admiral ZEX! This is just a bit too weird. Are you some kind of perv-- er... aesthete?You have talked with my VUX countrymen, haven't you?They are closed-minded fools... bigoted in all ways. Call me what you wish, Captain. I choose to view myself as, well simply open-minded... free to experience the full range of life's possibilities. The VUX rulers could not refuse my military genius, couldn't ignore the many victories I gave them. But they would not tolerate my behavior, accept my desires as natural so they sent me out here... a hero's exile! Where I won't `poison' the minds of youth with my `bizarre' ideas and `perverted' lifestyle. Hmmph... bigoted fools. You see, Captain, we are not all that different, you and I. We are different from the majority of VUX, and so we, in VUX eyes, are both monsters. We require the Shofixti Maidens. We are prepared to use force if necessary.Hee! Hee! Hee! Oh, Captain, that would be such an unfortunate mistakea grave error on both our parts. We have so much to learn from each other, so much to give each other. It would be such a sad loss if we were to fall back to the mindless blasting and killing that has marred our two species' relationship up to this point. Admittedly, as THE acknowledged VUX military genius I would find it interesting to face your ONE powerful, alien starship with my huge, personal fleet of Intruders which I have kept concealed up until this point but oh! What a mistake it would be! Also... I think it only fair to warn you, Captain that in my campaigns I collected many interesting items. Amongst these treasures is a Precursor artifact, a warp nullification field that prevents nearby ships from making emergency Hyperspace maneuvers... from running away. I note by the scars on the rear of your vessel that you have made many such escapes. So you see, Captain, if you attack me, you will face the greatest military tactician in VUX history commanding an unlimited number of enemy combat ships and the battle will be to the Death! Surely we can find an alternative. We will fight you regardless of your Precursor Artifact!Very well... to the Death!You lied, Admiral ZEX!!! There was no `warp nullification field'! Cheater!Yes, I lied.Surely, if a small falsehood can prevent hundreds of unnecessary deaths, this is acceptable. Unfortunately, you saw through my falsehood and no doubt lives were lost. Let us cease this mindless aggression, before it is our undoing. We have no fear of any of your `devices'. Now we kill you!Unfortunate. Dreary... and unfortunate.Captain, even without such a device, you must understand the overwhelming forces I have at my command! You cannot beat me here. It is impossible. But... if a fight is what you demand, so be it. Goodbye, Admiral ZEX.Goodbye, beautiful human. I hope we can meet someday as friends... perhaps even more.Welcome to the end of your life, courtesy of VUX technology. Our infinite supply of Intruder vessels is even now locking their vaporizers onto your position and we shall end your painful, grotesque existence for you as soon as possible. In the meantime, here is a little music... Hello again. We trust you are enjoying trespassing in VUX space and look forward to removing you from existence at our earliest possible convenience. If you believe you can fight your way past our invincible forces to our surface, you are correct. Some ash and a few wisps of pungent vapor are sure to make it at least that far. Our special today is particle fragmentation! So if you will kindly open your feeding orifice and start screaming, we will begin. Welcome back to total annihilation, where, as they say once is silatious, twice is phlagrant melons but the third time is when it really hurts. Please stay seated until your vessel starts smoking then feel free to dash your head painfully against the floor. Congratulations for exhausting the VUX vocabulary of greetings to despicable life-forms. May we take this opportunity to lock our femoral scrapers onto your ship and to wish you an unpleasant afterlife. Greetings from VUX!... the last word in life form destruction! To gain an intimate knowledge of our engines of war simply place both hands over your eyes and count to three. Salutations, and may your sense of self-preservation always be so dim. As our Intruders surround your vessel, you may care to raise both hands into the air above you and practice the ancient chant of the prancing oowee master, ZEN DUX, which begins... `AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!' This is VUX Commander YAX. On behalf of the team here I would like to say how very much we have all enjoyed taunting you and to congratulate you on plumbing the limits of VUX courtesy which you have now exhausted. Therefore, let me just say Die, you two-eyed loathsome faceless slug! Welcome back. All our coherent destructors are currently off-line but if you'd care to hold your present course and speed one will be free to annihilate you shortly. Grotesque squids! Your insolence shall be your death!
Watch everybody! We're going to kill the repulsive little monster now! |
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