Why HELLO, human Earthling! Har! Har! Har!
Must say, your appearance here come as quite surprise to us!
We never expected to see any of you ever again
after Ur-Quan masters put your species under slave shield!
Hey look everybody! Human Earthling came back!
Har! Har! Har! Wonder if we'll kill him this time?
Har! Har! Har!
You're back? Har! Har! Har! More fun! More fun!
Howdy, human Earthling! Back for more fun?
Well bloat my belly! It a human Earthling!
Har! Har! Har! Haven't seen a human Earthling since... since
why heck! NEVER seen a human Earthling!
Hi there, human! How old fluid sacks today?
What?! You don't HAVE fluid sacks?
Har! Har! Har! What do you call your mate then?!! Har! Har! Har!...
you don't HAVE mate?
THAT'S EVEN FUNNIER! Har! Har! Har!
Hi there, human Earthling! What'cha here for today?
What? Can't quite hear you? You have to speak up!
Hey! What problem here?
Human Earthling making fun of me?
THIS SOME KIND OF STUPID HUMAN EARTHLING TRICK? BECAUSE IF IS
Har! Har! Har!... fooled ya, didn't I?
Yo! Human Earthling! What up?!
HELLO. HUMAN. EARTHLING.
HAPPY. GREETINGS. AND. WELCOME. EARTHLING. HUMAN.
WHAT. SO. FUNNY. HUMAN. EARTHLING. YOUR. FACE. FUNNY. THING.
WE. FUNNY. UMGAH. SO. FUNNY.
THE. HUMAN. INTERFERES. WITH. PLAN.
STOP. THE. HUMAN. DESTROY. VESSEL.
NO. DELAYS. IN. PLAN. TOLERATED.
DESTROY. HUMAN. IMMEDIATELY.
HUMAN. KNOWS. TOO. MUCH. IT. MUST. NOT. ESCAPE.
HUMAN. EARTHLING. CEASE. MOTION. AND. DE-ENERGIZE. SHIP. SO. WE. CAN. GIVE. GIFT.
CEASE. HOSTILITIES. WE. HAVE. CHANGED. OUR. MINDS. WE. LIKE. YOU. COME. CLOSER.
RESISTANCE. IS. USELESS. HUMAN. EARTHLING.
Hello human Earthling savior!
Although we appreciate your efforts on our behalf
we really hate `Eternal Gratitude' stuff, so we've decided to kill you now.
Har! Har! Har! We pretty crazy blobbies, no?!
Well pop my pupae! It human Earthling again!
It just doesn't learn, does it? To Arms! To Arms!... wait a minute! Don't HAVE any arms!
AIEE!! MY ARMS!! WHO HAS STOLEN MY ARMS!!! AIEEE!! ARM THIEF!!!
Har! Har! Har!... Never HAD any arms! Har! Har! Har!
Look, we all decided that our treating you this way
and by that mean, attacking you without mercy all time
well, we decided that it just plain unfair.
REALLY, after all things you've done for our people!
So we decided to make you our honorary KING! Congratulations!
What that sound, officer Flubbo? It was? You sure? King-Killing Horn?
Har! Har! Har! What a sad coincidence, eh, Captain King?
Ho-ho! Human Earthling has returned to claim its reward!
What reward you ask? Why this reward, of course!
Hurray! Hurray! It human Earthling! Our Savior!!
Oh hurry, human Earthling, HURRY! Your reward awaits at our homeworld!
In case you have forgotten, that at Beta Orionis!
Hurry, human Earthling, HURRY!
(Har! Har! Har!)
Hust! Hust! You must make haste, human Earthling!
Sooner you go to our homeworld at Beta Orionis
sooner you shall receive your reward!
HAIL! HAIL! Human Earthling! GREAT HERO HAS RETURNED!
Oh, my lipids quivering just looking at him on monitor!
What smile! What sparkling eyes! What nice bony structure!
He one who has saved us from mental compulsion of evil Talking Pet!
HAIL! HAIL! HAIL!
Oh Great Hero! We grateful species! Speak to us! How we reward you?!
Blobbies, be calm. Rewards are unnecessary.No! No! You too humble! We must reward your deeds of courage!
Killing Talking Pet was a feat none of our species could perform!
You superior! You Hero!
HAIL! HAIL! HAIL!
We MUST reward you!... but what do we have to give?
Protoplasm?... no, not easily appreciated.
Vigorous esters?... no, too common.
HAVE IT! GENETIC MODIFICATION!! YES! IT PERFECT GIFT!!
Listen human Earthling! We add some extra eyes! A few tentacles!
Other organs of whatever size and shape you desire!!
What?! You not want more organs?... You sure?... How strange... how sad.
This was best gift. We Umgah have nothing but vast supply of biological skills and data.
Huh? What you say?
You want Biological Data?! Just plain raw Biological Data?
What you do with it?
Oh, well, you Hero. Whatever you want, you get.
We hope five hundred units sufficient.
Yup! That's right! You guys owe me BIG time.You right! We do owe you! We MUST reward you!... but what we have to give?
So how did that Talking Pet get control?Well Ariloulaleelay, who kind of our neighbors, gave us Talking Pet
hoping we could heal it more severe injuries, which we did.
While we working on it, we do routine brain structure scan
and discovered that creature had extemely sophisticated set of neural pathways
even more complex than own!
Further analysis showed that with minor genetic manipulations
Talking Pet intelligence fully realized, perhaps even to sentience!
Little did know what monster we creating.
Only a few hours after injected nanots with modification program, creature wakes up.
Almost immediately, took control of Hospital... then city... then whole planet.
We try to resist, but creature, even in a drugged, weakened state, too strong.
From that day on, we just mindless slaves who lived only serve Talking Pet, and `Big Plan'.
What `Big Plan'?
We never quite sure about details of `Big Plan', except it involved getting revenge
and mean LOTS of revenge...
against Ur-Quan masters.
What did it have against the Ur-Quan?We don't know, but whatever it was, must been pretty bad
because Talking Pet mad... REAL mad! How mad, you ask?
Blowing up planets and eating juveniles mad! That how mad.
We got impression Ur-Quan did something awful to Talking Pet or maybe even whole species.
Whatever it was, it worse than slavery
maybe even worse than death.
So what should I do with the Talking Pet?You mean, CORPSE of Talking Pet, don't you Captain?!
DID kill it, didn't you?!
Yeah... right. Real dead. What do I do with its corpse?Hmmm... as general rule, corpses aren't too much fun.
When we were first starting to mess with its brain
our intention to get it smart enough to accept orders from us
and then repeat them as though they legitimate Ur-Quan commands.
Har! Har! Har! We going to play a little joke this way!
We going to use Talking Pet to order Spathi to attack VUX!
Har! Har Har! That been great! ZAP! ZAP! KABOOM!!! Har! Har! Har!...
...even better than old Dogar and Kazon routine we pull on Ilwrath few years back
before those spoil-sport Spathi stole super cool HyperWave `Caster.
So, since I'm your Great Hero Guy, tell me all your secrets.Secrets, huh? You want secrets? OUR SECRETS!?
YOU MADE FATAL MISTAKE, HUMAN!!
... Har! Har! Har! Good joke, eh? Scared you!
Sure! We'll tell our secrets. Now let me see... what ARE secrets?
Oh, yeah!... remember! It about Mycon!
You see, Mycon only other race we know of
that have same kind of biotechincal skills as Umgah.
But amazing thing that they do all with their own bodies, don't need tools.
They just THINK genetic modification, and it happen!
We found that pretty hard understand, so when nobody looking, we clonk one on head
bring it back here to homeworld and slice it up for detailed study.
Those guys not product of ANY natural evolutionary process
they constructs!... some kind of multi-purpose biological tool.
We don't know who made them or for what purpose
but they WAY beyond anything we ever heard of.
We not figure out much more before tissue samples all gross
so guess that pretty much all of big secret.
Oh... do us a favor? Please not tell anybody about clonking Mycon.
It kind of against Ur-Quan Laws, and not want get Mycon mad at us.
Your Great Hero leaves now, but I'll be back.You know, Great Hero... I getting this funny feeling.
Would like to know what feeling is? Good, I tell you.
My feeling that Great Hero stuff... well, boring... not funny at all.
You only say HAIL! HAIL! HAIL! so many times before starts to lose appeal
instituting slight deviation in course of our relationship.
Specifically, instead of being dull and lifeless Great Hero
you now glamorous and exciting... Great Enemy!
We give you some Drone ships to make even more interesting!
Yes! This going to be LOTS more fun!
Here... let me show you.
Umgah! Reveal your secrets!Okay, since you ask so nicely, we will tell you a thing or two.
For instance, did know that even now we performing surgery on Talking Pet?
Arilou found it alone and dying in wreck of Ur-Quan Dreadnought on Alpha Pavonis .
They couldn't heal so they brought to us.
We discovered that animal has potential for high intelligence
provided we make few minor genetic modifications.
Evil blobbies. You must submit to our overwhelming power!Har! Har! Har! GOOD JOKE!!
We use it on someone else real soon.
No! I was serious. You ARE evil blobbies. You MUST die.Har! Har! Har! Even funnier!
Look, I know we've had our differences in the past, but can't we be friends?Sure! Sure! Friends for sure!
Who cares about boring old Ur-Quan and their slave laws? Har! Har! Har!
Here we come to say hello to new friends!
(Har! Har! Har!)
Here's our credo: Freedom from Ur-Quan! What do you say?Har! Har! Har! Freedom very good thing!
It so much easier to make good jokes without boring old Ur-Quan slave laws!
We wanting to pull a real good one on those stupid nosers from Draconis for long time
but since they battle thralls too, we not allowed do even small pranks on them
like, say... dropping planetoid in their ocean.
Big waves! Big waves! Har! Har! Har!
Well, Umgah. It has been fascinating, but I must go.Har! Har! Har! Hey wait human Earthling! Here best part!
Evil blobbies, your craven nature is revealed! Submit!IF. COMPREHEND. TRUE. NATURE. MUST. BE. ELIMINATED.
So, Umgah, what have you been up to these past twenty years?NOTHING. HAPPEN. LAST. TWENTY. YEARS. VERY. BORING.
So how goes your work on that Talking Pet?
So how's that Talking Pet getting along?WHAT. TALKING. PET. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND. REFERENCE.
You told us you were modifying a Talking Pet, didn't you?SADLY. IT. DIED.
NO. MORE. TALK. ABOUT. IT.
You know, I just don't believe you. What are you hiding?
The Arilou told us they had given it to you... they did, right?HUMAN. POSSESSES. FORBIDDEN. KNOWLEDGE.
NO. INTERFERENCE. IN. PLAN. CAN. BE. TOLERATED.
HUMAN. MUST. BE. ELIMINATED.
If I try to leave, are you going to attack me?NO. LEAVE.
You are evil blobbies, I say! Avast!YES. WE. ARE. VERY. EVIL.
YOUR. BEST. PLAN. IS. TO. DEPART. AND. NEVER. RETURN.
Surrender to me HERE and NOW or I shall vaporize you!HUMAN. INTERFERENCE. REACHES. INTOLERABLE. LEVEL.
PLAN. MUST. NOT. BE. DELAYED.
I am Captain x, of the starship z. What is your response?WE. RESPOND. WITH. APPROPRIATE. AWE. AND. RESPECT.
NOW. GO. AWAY.
Our message is Peace Between All Species!... blobbies included.YES. PEACE. GOOD. WE. WANT. PEACE. ALSO.
DEMONSTRATE. PEACE. NOW. BY. DEPARTING. OUR. SPACE. IMMEDIATELY.
Umgah humor is renowned across space, so... know any good jokes?!JOKE. YES. JOKE. HERE. IS. JOKE.
WHEN. IS. A. SLAVE. NOT. A. SLAVE.
WHEN. HE. IS. A. SLAVE. MASTER.
Uh... that wasn't very funny. Can't you do better?BETTER. JOKE. YES. BETTER. JOKE. HERE. IT. IS
WHAT. YOU. GET. WHEN. COMBINE. DEUTERIUM. PELLET. TERRAWATT. LASER.
AND. PRIMITIVE. EARTH. LEADER. FROM. ASIAN. STEPPES.
Ugh! That wasn't a very good joke either. I don't think you guys are very funny.UMGAH. ARE. FUNNY. WE. ARE. UMGAH. WE. ARE FUNNY.
THERE. IS. NO. ALTERNATIVE.
Goodbye, Umgah. I wish I could say it's been fun.GOODBYE. HUMAN. EARTHLING. DO. NOT. RETURN.
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