SNORT! I am furious and ready to KILL!
Throughout this entire game, I've done nothing but bluster and threaten!
I've had no opportunity to show my true skills as an actor, my depth and range.
No one knows my sensitivity... my gentle inner being.
SNORT! What if from now on I'm type-cast as a heavy?!
WHIMPER! Now Spielberg may NEVER call me!
Hmm... on the surface this seems like a good idea
but I fear it is a concept whose time has passed.
Instead we shall amuse ourselves with your destruction.
So, what's this? SNORT! An unknown alien species?
How wonderful! Someone new to fight!
We, the Thraddash of Culture Nineteen -- famous Ur-Quan Combat Thralls
know well the value of a good fight.
Either you win and prove your superiority...
SNORT! Or you lose and are vanquished.
If the vanquished is lucky, it may survive to learn an important lesson from its defeat.
This is the way of the Thraddash! We fight and learn and improve!
All other cultural schemes are inferior. This is a proven fact.
What have you to say before we begin combat?
SNORT! What a laugh! You are the least battle-worthy creature I've ever seen commanding a starship.
We are the Ur-Quan fighting slaves of Culture Nineteen.
Please don't run away. We wish to be your species' new role-models!
Unfortunately, to do this, we may need to blast you into your component atoms.
Attention weak, ugly humans aboard that wallowing garbage scow of a ship, SNORT!
Unless you are even more inferior than we believe, and that's hard to imagine
you already know who we are -- the Thraddash of Culture Nineteen
We are the original Ur-Quan fighting slaves, the cream of their elite forces
your instructors in the harsh realities of life.
SNORT! It is time for your next lesson.
Inferior Aliens. You have once again intruded upon the territory of the Thraddash.
This is a patrolled region of space. Your presence here is considered an act of War!
HA! View the stupid, weak alien who has appeared here at our homeworld!
What do you desire, creature? Our Friendship? Our submission?!
HARG! HARG! HARG!
Foolish, dumb weakling! We, the Nineteenth Culture of the Thraddash Empire
have an enormous fleet of ships here, with which to instruct you!
We will gladly attack you -- in fact, it is a requirement that we do so
since we are Ur-Quan slaves, and you are obviously an independent.
But know this! SNORT! Pay close heed!
While it is true we keep count of the number of our ships you destroy
we consider attacking our homeworld SO irrevocably stupid
that any victories you may score here through a sheer stroke of luck
WILL NOT be added to your personal victory tally!
Now what do you wish of us before we attack?
Attention, cowardly alien human thing!
You escaped our instructional session, SNORT! But this time things are different.
We, the Ur-Quan slaves of Culture Nineteen,
have engaged in a long-term build-up of weapons, assuring us that we shall prevail!
If you wish merely to count coup, seek our ships in space.
Now do you wish to speak, or shall we simply start blasting?
I am Korgk, battle-slave foreman of Culture Nineteen.
You may be interested to know that our model ZK-53 computer
has determined that you have only a fleeting 1.6% chance
of surviving a battle with our homeworld guardian fleet.
Shall we test this assertion?
Foolish Aliens! Shall you never learn the futility
of trying to conquer our homeworld through direct attack?
It is impossible! SNORT! We Thraddash will toast your tootsies.
Your charred bodies will be fertilizer for our fodderland.
A great fight, resulting in a glorious Thraddash victory, awaits you here!
Thraddash: we sense a bit of hostility here. Why?Hostility!
HARG! HARG! HARG!
We are not `hostile'. Hostility is unwarranted aggression! SNORT!
If you want to know about hostility, let us tell you about Culture Twelve!
Culture Twelve was SO hostile that while they were on their way to their first great battle
Jugkah, the battlemaster, stepped on Gnusko the tactician's foot, causing him great pain.
The annoyed Gnusko turned on his battlemaster, Jugkah, and sliced his body in half!
This miffed Jugkah's troops who took it upon themslves to murder Gnusko and his elite troops.
The REAL trouble started when now-dead Jugkah's master sergeants Muuhd and Pudt
started arguing about how to kill Gnusko -- simple crucifixion, or the slower `Lead Tatoo' technique.
The argument was resolved when Muuhd and his five hundred troops were slaughtered by Pudt and his gang.
Well, this probably all would have gone down in history as a great day of learning for Culture Twelve
were it not for the surprise arrival of Culture Twelve's original enemy, the Yajag and his cronies
who wiped out Culture Twelve's army, thus beginning the long and glorious Culture Thirteen.
SNORT! Now THAT'S hostility!
We, on the other hand, merely want to kill you.
Tell us more of your brutal history.Brutal!? You don't know the MEANING of brutal until you've heard the story of Culture Three!
How brutal WAS Culture Three you ask?
Culture Three was SO brutal that they maimed, tortured, enslaved, and in general brutalized
You see, Culture Two had made a virtue of stoic resistance to pain, stubborn fortitude, that sort of thing.
So when Culture Three came around, they had a problem.
How were they going to impress everyone as being EVEN TOUGHER?
Their answer? They would arrive at a battle, stand on a tall hill where everyone could see them
and chop off one of their own limbs! Then they'd wave it around, screaming and shaking it at their enemies.
It worked! It scared the hell out of their opponents! They ran like crazy!
You could tell who was a real war hero back then by how few arms or legs he had left.
War parades were quite different too. Instead of sturdy old warriors walking slowly past the reviewing stands
they tended to roll, and at a good clip, too.
To you, an inferior alien, this may seem bluntly stupid -- the product of a sick, primitive society.
SNORT! You couldn't be more right!
Culture Three was, as you can well understand, only the third Thraddash Culture
and was therefore far from the tempered perfection you have encountered here and now.
NO! We will not answer any more of your foolish questions!
Instead, you will answer OUR questions, such as
who is responsible for those berserk red probes that keep attacking our ships?
Are these devices your robot emissaries of death? Hmm?
No! Don't answer, I can see it in your eyes. You've given it all away! SNORT! I know the truth now.
The only thing that confuses me is WHY do the probes approach from the direction of Vega?
No history! -- Back to the subject of the probes!
We found one orbiting a strange planet in the Epsilon Draconis system.
The planet causes our scanners to malfunction, producing a wildly colored image.
The probe seemed to be studying it. Is this true?
SPEAK, HUMAN! REVEAL THE TRUTH! CONFESS YOUR CRIMES!
Well, if you will not cooperate
we will have to extract the information from you in more painful ways.
What can you tell us of your species?Talk! Bah, talk is for sissies, weaklings like those of Culture Fourteen.
For ten thousand years, we Thraddash have fought and died, learned and improved.
Then, along came Culture Fourteen which claimed that all this -- this perfect method...
...was wrong! -- that each time we violently transformed to a new Culture
we inevitably blasted ourselves back at least five hundred years in development.
Hmph! Some people just cannot accept the cost of progress.
Indeed, the FOOLISHNESS of Culture Fourteen's peaceful whining was revealed
when they were conquered by Culture Fifteen after only a ten year reign.
And did the change to Culture Fifteen set us back five hundred years?
Two, maybe three hundred years, tops.
The short span of Culture Fourteen's reign is objective proof that as a way of life
peace is a failure.
We wish to learn more about your Culture Nineteen.What!?! SNORT! MORE talk?
It amazes me that you ever got out of the orbit of your home planet!
Yak! Yak! Yak! -- Yammer! Yammer! Yammer!
Sigh... very well, we will talk... for a moment.
OUR Culture Nineteen is the most formidable EVER to appear in Thraddash space.
Admittedly, Culture Eighteen said the same thing, but clearly they were WRONG!
With our rather swift defeat by the Ur-Quan and subsequent enslavement
we realized that it was time for a change! A new Culture had to be established!
So, of course, we began a thermo-nuclear exchange to decide who would lead this new culture.
We were all quite disappointed when the Ur-Quan in orbit above our homeworld
launched waves of fighters who intercepted all our missiles.
The Ur-Quan explained that slaves were not permitted to engage in such destructive conflicts
so my people, being superior, introduced a super-lethal poison into our opponents' water and air
thus ending the conflict, HARG! HARG! HARG!
The Ur-Quan were not particularly happy about this resolution, and killed all of our leaders
which under other circumstances would have started a larger inter-Thraddash war
but the Ur-Quan appointed new leaders, apparently chosen at random
and explained that further disobedience would result in the destruction of our species.
You mention the Ur-Quan. What is your relationship with them?A foolish question! We are their slaves, dolt! What else would we be?
When the Ur-Quan first appeared in our space over fifty years ago
coming from the direction of the Ophiuchi stars
we attacked them with gusto, zipping in to fire our Mark 6 blasters
and then theoretically zipping back out to prepare for another attack run.
SNORT! Unfortunately, before we could zip out
our ships were either blasted to smithereens by the Ur-Quan's fusion bolts
or were picked apart by the swarms of Ur-Quan fighter-vessels.
You may wonder why we didn't use our afterburners to escape. The answer is simple.
Fifty years ago, our ships had not yet been modified for this enhancement!
It was not until 2143 that Maintenance Engineer Reeunk invented the afterburner effect
when he accidentally stuck his cigar in the aft fuel valve of the ship he was working on.
WHABOOM!!! The ship took off like a farg out of hell, and Reeunk was fried to a crisp.
Yes, we remember Reeunk with much fondness. Of course, we have refined the device
and now that our entire fleet has been fitted with the Reeunk Afterburners
perhaps NOW the Ur-Quan will let us fight at their side as TRUE battle thralls.
Why didn't you fight against the Alliance, and where ARE the Ur-Quan?We wanted to, OH how we wanted to!
After all, we were the first battle thralls the Ur-Quan enslaved in this part of space
we thought we had priority!...
But the Ur-Quan thought we were too weak to hold our own in the upcoming battles
so they left us here... to guard the flank.
If only we had been WHIMPER! stronger and less... SNARF! troublesome.
Another reason the Ur-Quan wouldn't take us with them
was because we kept picking fights with the new battle slaves
like the Umgah blobbies, or those religious idiots, the Ilwrath.
Where did they go, you ask? This is a secret, of course! We can't tell you!
If we told you that they were fighting a secret war against a mysterious invader
you might find some way to use that information against our masters.
So forget it! No secrets!
Hey, here's an idea! Go impress your Ur-Quan masters by attacking their enemy!WHAT FOOLISH STUPIDITY! HARG! HARG! HARG!
WHY THAT'S AS DUMB AN IDEA AS -- what did you say?
Attack the Ur-Quan's enemy? Help them win their war?
Why that's a... that's a... THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA!
I'm glad I thought of it!
We shall marshal our forces and leave at once!
Stupid, human pitiful weakling dog, you have been helpful, so as a reward
you may leave alive, and when we return from our glorious campaign
we may even honor you with a retelling of the many great battles we shall certainly win.
Until then, get lost.
The Ur-Quan will be mightily impressed by our combat prowess
when we blast their enemies from space!
We build up a charging fury! Stay out of our path!
Our individual skills, our superior fighting ships
and our objectively correct political views
are sure to impress greatly our Ur-Quan Masters!
To Arms! SNORT! To Arms!
Oh! The Weapons!! The devastating bolts of sheer energy! SNORT!
The dark ships -- the Ur-Quan's enemies, they bow before our superior technologies!
The morbid, relentless wheels of heart-pounding destructiveness
are nothing more than an inconvenience!
Oh, yes! I am sure that we are demonstrating to the Ur-Quan
the worthiness of our excellent Culture Nineteen!
We look forward to success!
The way is challenging, but our Turbo-Thrusters are at 200% and our guns stand ready!
We have engaged the dark ships and achieved victory!
The Ur-Quan know we are here! SNORT! They see our valor!...
...unfortunately they also seem to be attacking us.
We have tried to make contact with them on the usual Hyperwave bands, but to no avail.
Even so, I am still quite sure that we are impressing them GREATLY!
The great gouts of flame! SNORT! The accuracy of our shooting!
We killed THOUSANDS... well at least HUNDREDS!
It was wonderful! It was delirious!
Those few of us who survived will have stories to tell for years to come.
We were marvelous! SNORT! They shook and shivered when they saw us coming!
They were so frightened of us, they froze in their tracks.
That's how scared they were!
Ah, such fighting! SNORT! We will not soon see the like again!
Oh, Yes! We have mightily impressed the Ur-Quan!
We destroyed several of their enemy's dreaded black ships
and severely damaged many more.
Our losses? Well, yes, there were a few.
But we are still very strong!
Make no mistake about that!
WARNING! You have entered Thraddash Secured Space!
There is nothing valuable here!
Begone Stupid, Ugly Ones!SNARL!
Leave before we break from our guard posts and give you a good Thraddashing!
Attention blustering fools! We have requirements which you will fulfill, NOW!Hunh?
SNARL! YOU SAY WHAT?!!!
Foolish, pitiful, small-headed being
WE WILL DEEESTROY YOUUU AND EVERYBODY ON YOUR SHIP!!
I have secret weapons of great power. Submit, or be evaporated.HARG! HARG! HARG!
We like secret weapons!
We will now give you the opportunity to give them to us.
We wish nothing from you, save your friendship.Perhaps, after we have made you our slaves, we can accomodate your wishes.
You are strong! We like strong! We be friends, now, okay?
We are strong. You are weak. And HARG! HARG!...
we HATE weak.
We do not need weak friends! We want only slaves and teachers.
Since you have nothing to teach us and refuse to be our slave
then you are our enemy.
Such logic must be obvious even to a stupid being like yourself.
How did impressing the Ur-Quan work out?It was glorious, truly glorious!... for the most part.
It would have been entirely glorious except for two factors.
Factor One: we lost over half our battle fleet during the two-week fracas.
Factor Two: of our casualties, only 60 percent were due to the Ur-Quan's enemy, the dark ships.
SNORT! The remaining 40 percent can be attributed to the Ur-Quan themselves.
We can be certain that we impressed them with at least one achievement
due to the Afterburner modification, we were somewhat harder for them to kill
than when they conquered us in the first place.
Would you describe the Ur-Quan's enemy ships?They were black as space itself, with only the occasional glint off their hulls as they turned to fire.
Their weapons were extremely primitive, nothing more than fast-spinning disks of dense metal
yet they penetrated our defensive screens, and inflicted grievous damage
purely through their enormous kinetic energy.
The black ship's secret weapon is their ring of fire
which is VERY effective at short range.
Hey! Wait a minute! What am I doing answering YOUR questions?
Puny human, your time is almost up. Prepare yourself for defeat!
We leave in peace.What? You leave before the lesson begins? We have so much to teach you!
Let us show you just one thing, it's called the `Surprise Attack'.
I guess we'll just be going now.Then I guess we'll just be attacking you now.
Explain your presence here, Thraddash.It is none of your concern, human, SNORT!
Now leave this world before we get REALLY mad!
What are you hiding down there? I demand to land!You will make no demands, stupid captain human dog!
Instead, you will die!
So what's so special about this world? Why all the guards?Very well, since we have a huge number of ships here
I guess there can't be much harm in explaining this to you
PROVIDED YOU LEAVE WHEN WE'RE DONE!
So listen carefully.
on the surface of this planet
on the dark continent of Funt
high on a mountain
in an ancient shrine
resting in a special ceremonial cradle
glowing with its magical blue light
NO! I've changed my mind! You don't get to know the answer.
Aw, geez. Come on. That was UNFAIR!Okay, okay. I guess you're right, it was a bit cruel. I'll tell you.
Let's see, where was I? Oh, right
on the dark continent of Funt
high on a mountain
in an ancient shrine
resting in a special ceremonial cradle
glowing with its magical blue light
...the most revered of all Thraddash relics
the sign of any Culture's authority.
I left something important on the surface last week. May I go get it?Okay.
Hey, WAIT A MINUTE!
You are after our most ancient and important relic, AREN'T YOU?
You were going to steal it, WEREN'T YOU? SNARL!
You are sneaky and deceptive, just like the vile Culture Sixteeners!
You shall suffer their same fate -- OBLIVION!
We have decided to leave. Goodbye.If you hurry, we won't kill you. Goodbye.
So it's you! The Thief! The skulking little human weasel!
SNORT! We should not have left the Aqua Helix Planet unguarded!
You have shown us a weakness in ourselves, and for that we thank you.
But we desire the return of the Helix, and since I suspect you won't give it willingly
SNORT! Eat Flaming Death You Gravy Sucking Pig!
Ahoy stupid human. You are arrogant and absurd!
You took our wonderful, ancient, sacred Aqua Helix, and refuse to return it!
This makes us mad, EXTREMELY mad!
Prepare to meet thy Doom, alien Thief!
Admirable! Admirable! We have never witnessed such awesome combat capabilities!
You have destroyed so many of us! We are humbled in your presence!
We thought you were a weakling, a coward, a pitiful sniveling wimp.
We were wrong, so wrong! WHIMPER!
You have shown yourself superior to ourselves, indeed, even the Ur-Quan!
We wish to learn from you, thus improving our Culture.
Give us your wisdom, mighty Teacher! What is the secret to your success?
Wait! I've got it! It's the way you respond to our hailing calls each time we meet!
Just as they say, first impressions are SO important!
So tell us, please! Tell us how WE should present ourselves.
Well, Humans have some backbone after all, but not as much as the Ur-Quan.
A Human ship is a poor second to the Ur-Quan Dreadnought.
Your weapons do not have the killing strength of an Ur-Quan fusion blast.
SNORT! The Ur-Quan are still your betters.
Perhaps Humans can fight after all, if our reports are accurate.
We will test this hypothesis in the laboratory of life -- IN GLORIOUS BATTLE!
Your puny, inadequate weaponry is no match for the Thraddash Mark 6 Blaster
with its 4 Megawatt energy discharge.
Nor can your slow, bloated tubs compare to our Flash Turbo-Boosted warships!
We have nothing to fear!
Hello and good day! How are you today?
We are just fine, thank you! Are your mates and offspring well?
How simply marvelous!
We are the polite and courteous Thraddash!
We greet you with all appropriate felicitations.
Most erudite greetings to you.
As always, we will be most pleased to enter into meaningful discourse with your elevated person.
Greetings and salutations! We trust that all is well with you
and that your stay will be pleasant and beneficial.
We are the rhyming simons
blancmange rhymes with orange
space is the place
the stars in their courses
cannot catch the horses?
SNORT! This is hard!
Blood is red, bruises are blue
When strangers come here, we run them through!
HARG! HARG! HARG!
Good one, eh?
There once was a Thraddash named Mak-Roni
whose ship was in total caco-phony
He got lost in Apodis
and died in Draconis
Because all that he ate was baloney!
HARG! HARG! HARG!
Constantly moving are
space, stars, time
form not function
meets in death
Eway areyay ethay igpay atinlay eakingspay Addashthray! Ortsnay!
Ombatcay! Ecklessray ouragecay! Eakingspay igpay atinlay!
Eway aryay ategray orfay eesethay easonsray!
Ellohay, umanhay! Elcomeway ackbay! E'veway eenbay xpectingay ouyay.
Eway aypay espectray otay ouryay eatgray eachertay!
This is Grah of the starship Hot Pulsing Thrusters.
Greetings! I am Captain Chudd in command of the Blazing Guns of Glory!
Attention! This is the starship Overwhelmer.
Hello, Great Teacher!
We of are glad to meet you here in space, oh wise Teacher from Earth!
Your presence here at our homeworld fills all of us with awe. We are honored, wise human.
Hoy-yo-HO! The super-strong human has returned to this, our most important planet.
We, bid you welcome.
What's so special about about this planet?We orbit here guarding that most precious of our relics, that which we hold most dearly
that which has been at the heart of all our Cultures
(except for Culture Nine, and they don't really count)
We guard the object which transcends mortal realms
the Aqua Helix!
So what about this `Aqua Helix' thing? Does it do any tricks?The Aqua Helix is our most precious relic.
For the totality of our historical memory, the Helix has been with us.
It guides, motivates and rewards. It is the twisty-thing that launched a thousand ships!
It is the relic all our cultures have held most... oh yeah, I said that already.
We know the Aqua Helix is great
largely because all our previous nineteen cultures have known this to be true!
If the Aqua Helix wasn't anything special
WHY would we spend so much blood and passion over the little thing?
It would be a colossal waste! An absurd travesty!...
...actually, this is much what Culture Nine said
during their two-week period of dominance before Culture Ten wiped them out.
Anyway we remain convinced!...
...we are Thraddash and all Thraddash know the significance of the Aqua Helix.
Therefore, the Aqua Helix IS great! The matter is resolved.
You won't mind if I go down and just kinda look at it, would you?Why certainly, Great Teacher. Be our guest.
Have there been any developments that I should be made aware of?Yes, Teacher, there is at least one event of note.
We may have once mentioned our encounters with the tumbling red probes
the ones that attack relentlessly while spouting bizarre peace offerings.
Initially we believed that they were coming from the direction of the Vega star system.
Now we believe the opposite.
Uh.. no, Captain, we don't know what the opposite of Vega is, that's not what we meant.
We now believe that the probes are RETURNING to Vega.
As yet we do not know the nature of their mission.
Yes, wise human, let us elaborate.
Two years ago we monitored the entry of two ships into our space.
One was clearly a Dreadnought, the ship of our ex-masters, the Ur-Quan.
The other ship was a dark and ominous ship equally as huge as the Dreadnought.
The vessels were locked in mortal combat. They fought valiantly!
Eventually, the Ur-Quan destroyed the black ship, but not before receiving mortal wounds itself.
The last we saw of the ship, it was tumbling out of control toward Alpha Pavonis.
We do not know its eventual fate.
Now that you are our new role-model, I guess it's time to spill the beans on the Ur-Quan.
Unfortunately, we never really got any beans -- secret bits of information, that is.
However, maybe you would like to know about the last time we saw the Ur-Quan.
It was in 2140, I think. All of a sudden, a fleet of Dreadnoughts came storming into our space
quickly refueled, and then left, broadcasting a recorded message
which told us to remain in our old sphere of influence, obey the slave laws, and wait for their return.
The Dreadnought fleet departed in the direction of the Crateris constellation
but where they are now is unknown.
This doesn't really count as News, Teacher
but War is truly magnificent isn't it?
The gut wrenching sight of molten warships!
The boiling blood of depressurized soldiers!
I just love it!...
We need to learn so much from you, such as
How should we act in our new Culture? What is our direction, our ethical base?
Treat each stranger you meet as your best friend.Friendly? Kind? The wisdom escapes me.... ah yes! I understand now!
Being kind, being friendly...this will allow intruders to let their guard down
and when we kill them, they will be too surprised to react!
What a great plan, human! You are truly a great Teacher!
Lighten up! Be kind of... you know... Wacky! Here, watch these Monty Python vids.Wacky!...Wacky? I do not understand. We shall watch these vids of yours.
We shall study them, to learn to be... wacky.
Then, when we are wacky enough, we shall test our new wackiness in combat
to discover, no doubt, the great advantage it has given us.
Thank you, Great Teacher.
Look, if you really want a model for your Culture, then be just like us!Aha! I see it now. We proceed carefully
we take no undue risks. We slowly build up our strength
and only attack when we have overwhelming odds on our side!
In dealings with other races, we shall question them mercilessly
trying to drag out every last bit of information, and if they are not cooperative
we will threaten them with instant death!
We will be just like you!
We have much work to do to implement these sweeping cultural changes.
Transferring from the allegiances and mores of one culture to another
is a difficult and time consuming task.
We beg you, great warrior from Earth, give us time to make the changes you have suggested.
Return later to see our brave new world.
Try being more contemplative. Consider the many facets of a single gem... and stuff like that.Aha! Contemplation, yes! New thought and realizations! With our new studious ways
we shall uncover new methods, inventions and schemes
allowing us to conquer entire civilizations with ease!
Brilliant, human, brilliant!
So how is the new Culture developing?Augh! If it were not for our certainty in your wisdom, great Teacher from Earth
we would not have remained a `Contemplative' culture for more than a single day
As it is, we have contemplated our strategies, tactics, our weapons, the stars
the planets, and even our navels
which for a Thraddash is very uncomfortable and requires at least two mirrors.
So studious! So quiet! So contemplative!
We are not made for this. We are beginning to break out in spots!
To be frank, Great Teacher, friendliness suits us Thraddash poorly.
For example, we Thraddash do not have the necessary muscles to `smile' as you suggested we do
so we are now using small plastic prosthetic devices to prop up our lips into the required position.
Try as we might, we just can't make this friendly thing work, Teacher.
Even your idea about exchanging the ritual gifts, the `Fruit Cakes' has had problems.
It seems that nobody actually wants to eat the Fruit Cakes
however, on the plus side, due to the Fruit Cakes' density and other physical characteristics
they make excellent projectile weapons!
We have studied and studied the vids you left with us, oh Great Teacher
but we fear we are unable to grasp the essential truth and power of being wacky.
For example, last month, in an attempt to be spontaneously absurd
I turned to my subordinate and in a high-modulated tone of voice
explained that there was a penguin sitting on the vidscreen.
Not knowing what a penguin was, my subordinate spun to face the vidscreen
his hydraulic holster snapping his weapon into his hand.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
The penguin, the vidscreen, and a large section of the wall were destroyed.
You see, Captain. Perhaps we are not suited to being wacky
and SNIFF!... that was my only penguin.
We are getting a better handle on this wacky thing. The key?...Slapstick!
We Thraddash have found our mode, our idiom, our way to be wacky.
Jabbing the eyes with outstretched digits! Striking the head with planks!
HARG! HARG! HARG! We understand this perfectly, Captain.
And with the addition of our native elements, high-explosives and nausea gas
Thraddash space has become Pratfall City!
Things are proceeding well, Captain.
We have discovered one item which may interest you.
There is an unusual world orbiting Epsilon Draconis, in close solar orbit.
Though it radiates energies which scramble our sensors
we can detect many radioactive substances on the surface.
We suspect that this is one of the so-called `Precursor Dumps'
described in some ancient text fragments we found in Alpha Apodis.
The text goes on to say that these Dumps are in some kind of pattern
though what the pattern may be remains a mystery.
For now, that is all.
A long-range scouting team was sent to explore the stars in the Lyncis constellation.
On planet I of Delta Lyncis, they encountered a life form so dangerous, so hostile
that it almost killed the entire landing party.
We know you seek information on lifeforms, Great Teacher
and we hope this information has been of use.
Goodbye to you, my Thraddash students.We eagerly await your return, Great Teacher.
We will await your return and further enlightenment with great anticipation.
Try not to get killed, Teacher.
Farewell, Great Teacher.
Try being polite and friendly in your greetings.Ok, we will be polite.
That will cause visitors to let their guard down
and then we attack them!
Yes, that is an excellent plan!
To capture precisely the essence of Interstellar Protocol, speak pig latin.Pig-Latin, eh? Isn't that where you take the first letter or two of a word, put it at the end
and then add an `ay' at the very end? Hmm.. let me try
`Upidstay Eaturecray! Eparepray otay ieday!'
Hey! I like that! It gives one the semblance of wit and education
without all that dreary studying!
Just one question, Great Teacher. How do you say `example' in pig latin?
I know for a fact that rhyming in your introductions wins big points.Rhymes? Like in poetry? SNORT!
Isn't that kind of... you know... not-tough stuff?
SNORT! What am I saying! You are the Great Teacher! You know best!
If rhyming is necessary, then Teacher we will be rhyming all the timing.
Just greet people the way we do.Hmmm... okay. I see.
When necessary, we will be obsequious and kowtow
and the rest of the time, we will bluster and threaten!
Now that we understand the nuances of introduction, Great Teacher
we have an even more significant question.
Your devastation of our battle forces has shown us
that our Culture Nineteen is inferior to your own
therfore, we will adopt your methods, your techniques
but what shall we name our new Culture?
How about theOkay, the
It is important that with this new direction, you decide your own new name.You are wise, Great Teacher. I will think long and hard on this matter
It must reflect the profound changes in our social order.
It must clearly explain the nature of our civilization!
Yes! I have it! The perfect name is
How about the `Fat Obstreperous Jerks'?I like it! This name, being such an obvious contrast to our true nature
will fool our enemies into believing we are harmless
because surely only fools would let themselves be known by such a name!
Once again, Great Teacher, you have shown your wisdom. We thank you.
From this day forward, we are the Fat Obstreperous Jerks!
Culture TwentyIt will be
The Glorious Slave Empire of xUlp! Well... you're the one with the big starship
So be it
Fat Obstreperous Jerks
Oh! The Glory of these many battles!
The stupid Ilwrath are easy kills for our valiant warriors, SNORT!
We kill fully two of them for every one of us who perishes!
Of course, they possess twice our number of fighting ships
but that is not truly significant!
It was your wisdom and guidance that made this all possible, Great Teacher!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
The exploding starships! The screaming crew!
The direct hits, the cunning escapes!
These are the moments we live for!
Now we must return to the great battles!
Farewell, Great Teacher.
So, it is a stupid, ungainly human.
I thought we killed you... never mind. It is unimportant now.
We are in the midst of a great and glorious war.
The Ilwrath religious fanatics have chosen to attack us
and our brilliant defense is decimating them!
Of course we are taking small casualties, but that is acceptable.
Why am I wasting my time here with you?
I could be out there, winning honor and glory fighting the idiot spiders.
Depart human, your death is not worth the cost of my ammunition.
Stop bothering us, human!
Can't you see that we are fighting the most perfect war of all our Cultures?
We have brought the Ilwrath to their knee equivalents!
Now all that remains is the coup de grace -- their final annihilation!
So clear my path, alien dog, before I blast it clear myself!
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