Ah, a final parting with our favorite seeker of enlightenment... how sad.
But wait! This doesn't have to be the end!
We have established a conduit from the realms of our Harmonic Awareness directly to you!
You can use this channel to ask us questions about your past lives, or your future destiny!
Just call 1-900-PKUNKRA
That's 1-900-PKUNKRA, 24 hours a day!
Only two bucks per minute.
(children under 18 must have parental permission before calling.)
Wait! A spirit voice rings within my soul!
It tells me that I must give you something.
What, spirit? What must we give this young creature?
Mineral resources?... no. Important secrets?... no. Starships?... no.
Then what IS it spirit, spit it out!
What?!... that thing? Are you sure? Okay.
Here you go, alien. Take this Clear Spindle.
It is an ancient and powerful device built by the Precursors hundreds of thousands of years ago.
What does it do, you ask?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Now, alien, it is important that we continue our conversation
as though this exchange never happened.
Welcome to our home stars. We are the Pkunk. Pkunk we are.
Seekers of the deepest truths, askers of interesting and significant questions.
Even now a question of great transcendental significance comes unbidden to our minds.
Who are you and what do you want? Do not be frightened. We are powerful creatures, yes
but we could not hurt you anymore than we could squish the helpless Pootworm.
We love the Pootworm. We are one with the Pootworm. We are one with you.
Of course you realize that this means you are one with the Pootworm.
To be one with the Pootworm is to be alive, and why not be alive?
Is that not what living is for?
Greetings and various apropos felicitations! We are Pkunk.
Hatchlings of light, spiritual soul beings of the vast cosmic oneness
wayfarers on the river of destiny, students of the mystical dimensions
purveyors of blissful love, birdlike manifestations of glorious light energies from the astral plane.
How about yourselves?
I sense that you are cautious.
You feel that you are not yet ready to enter into the fullness of our compassion.
I say to you, Let go!!
Travel to our planet of love at the star you call Gamma Krueger
and share the brightness of your soul with us.
Unburden yourself of fears, become as a child once again
release yourself to tears of joy!
Go. Go now, young one. Go quickly!
Whoopdy Dee and Trolly Bazoo! What a good day I am having.
First my nest mate surprises me with extra fat and spicy grubs for earlymeal
and then I am complimented on my fine display of ceremonial tongs.
To top it off, I encounter the human friend, loved by all Pkunk.
Can things get any better?
The stars are in auspicious alignment, the various significant moons
are in the correct houses, and ambient psychic energies are in
balance. All is well, and the universe is at peace. Well, actually
2/3 of our civilization has been decimated by the Ilwrath, but besides that
all is well. It is good to see you again.
Human! I was just thinking of you! Ah, but I see you are not
surprised, and why should you be? Amazing psychic occurrences are
commonplace for us Pkunk. I am filled with love at the sight of you.
Perhaps we can converse together, or just coexist for a few special
So fledgling, you have returned for your spiritual training. You seek
to be as we Pkunk are. An admirable if somewhat naive goal.
Of course, as a loving parent I must push you from the nest. Try as
you might to cling to the side, I must step on your fingers and kick
you over the edge. Ah but I cannot. I see those sad Human eyes,
and I must give in. My love gushes forth.
Hello human! We are warm and fuzzy with the news of your return.
What wisdom do you seek today?
Auspicious portents and serendipitous omens have foretold your arrival.
Welcome alien guest to the home of the gentle and playful Pkunk
Children of the Cosmic Light
Hobgoblins of Joy
Seekers of Spiritual Truth
and other neat stuff like that.
Oh jubilation and moderate amounts of spiritual-type ecstasy, our sensitive
friend and intimate soulmate has returned to our homeworld, bringing with
him his most beautiful aura and radiant smile. How do you fare, Captain?
Captain. We have been expecting you, of course. In fact, you are here because
we wished you to be here. By channeling our psychic energies through a
a transdimensional flux inducer, we are able to affect the low frequency
stream of a soul particle such as yourself, and direct its course.
The only thing is, we can't remember why we brought you here.
Welcome back, Captain, to our humble planet. It is good, once again, to merge our
chakras with the totality of your spiritual essence. We speak, of course,
metaphorically. How can we best be of aid to you?
Ah. So once again you come to our region of space.
All are welcome to our nest. We are Pkunk, we cannot help but love all.
Share our joy. Share our love. Are we not Pkunk?
Yes, I said we were and so we are. Ha ha!!
I must laugh and sing for the sheer joy of it!
This is our way.
Ah, Captain human! I was hoping you would return. I have great news!
Were you aware that in one of your previous lives, you were Duke Franz Ferdinand?
It's true! And before that, you were the Egyptian god-pharoah Atum-ta, the sixth?
This is amazing, Captain, just fantastic. Imagine, having been so many important people!
Well, to be frank, your case is not all that unusual.
It just so happens that almost everyone's past lives were as famous, rich or interesting people.
It seems that if you are a turnip farmer, a salesman, or somehing boring like that
you aren't reincarnated. When you die you just kind of... cease.
Isn't the universe a wacky place?
We are seekers of truth. Enlighten us!
Since you are a perceptive individual, you have noticed that we are physiologically similar to the Yehat.
This relationship is not coincidence, for indeed in the Harmonic Realm of Creation, there IS no coincidence.
To be more specific, we are an off-shoot of the Yehat species
-- a peaceful, empathic off-shoot! --
which fractured from the Yehat race early in its Space Age.
You see, we create Peace...Tranquility... and Harmony
whereas, the Yehat are birds of prey
who live in a constant balance of terror with their fellow creatures.
Earth Captain. You would be well advised to use caution when traveling in this area.
We must warn you about the presence of a spiritually corrupt and violent race... the Ilwrath.
Ah! I see you already know of them.
The Ilwrath appeared almost eight years ago, following a powerful HyperWave broadcast
supposedly from Dogar and Kazon, the dark gods of Death and Pain.
Ever since, they have ceaselessly attacked our ships and planets.
Over many long years, we have investigated the mysteries of the Universe
the powers of crystal energy
regression into past lives
the truth behind crop circles
and in doing so we have been Transformed!
Although our supply of wisdom is inexhaustable
we have no more specific information that would be helpful to you.
Return! Our most mystical device, the, er... Ouija Board, indicated NO when asked about your trip.Hmm... this is an ominous portent.
We must consult our spirit guides before proceeding.
Unfortunately, we will have to return home to do this properly.
Tkank you for your concern.
Don't you know this is the, um... year of the Swollen Moon? Bad time to travel!It IS?!
We are so glad you warned us!
No time to lose! We'll see you back in our home star systems
Your trip is fruitless. The Yehat will blow you out of the stars.No, we are certain that our Yehat siblings are spiritually prepared for our reunion.
We shall proceed.
Wait! You have left your homes open to invasion!Nothing but material possessions, Captain.
We Pkunk, having risen to the ninty-ninth psychic plane, plus a tad
are far beyond trapping our spiritual needs with crude matter.
Before we proceed Captain, I must speak. Many of my people have not been
sleeping well these past few nights. In fact, I myself did not sleep well last
night. Well, actually I slept okay in the first part of the night, and then had
a little trouble a little later on, maybe halfway through, until I got up and
had something to eat. Anyway, the reason we're not sleeping is beause of a
dream. Yes, a dream. We have seen that in the center of this region of space,
near stars that form the shape of a cup, and are in a constellation that begins
with the letter C and ends with the letter S, and whose letters rearranged
spell Asteric, two great armadas fight. One of black ships, the other of green.
Our dream tells us that if the black ships should win this fight, they will
destroy all life in this region. Captain, they are winning now. If there is
anything you can do to stop them, you must do it... please! Okay, that's all I
wanted to say.
We welcome you to our space, perversely misguided spirits of hostile intent that you are.
Perhaps it is simply that your species does not comprehend such subtle concepts
as the unification of the inner self child with the universal love stream.
Perhaps if we put it in terms you could understand
Killing bad, bad.
Is that better?
Greetings aggressive ones.
We extend our wing tip to you in a gesture of unwarranted compassion.
Open your heart and become one with your happy self.
Let us help you. Let us heal you. Let us love you.
Don't be afraid of love. Are you afraid of love?
Are you afraid of yourself? We love you... friend.
Whoopdy Dee and Trolly Bazoo!
This is what I say when I am in a good mood.
Are you in a good mood today?
Please allow me to give you some advice.
Rather than become tense, and fire weapons at other people's ships
simply say, `Whoopdy Dee and Trolly Bazoo!'
You will feel much better and you will be much more popular.
You are what we Pkunk call the `spiritually disenfranchised'.
I'm not sure why we call you that, because you don't seem disenfranchised to me
just incredibly violent.
Anyway, my empathic senses tell me that there is yet hope for you
if only you would admit to your emotional depravity.
Wait! Say nothing, loathsome creature of dark and unnatural vibrations
lest you disturb my peaceful and loving state of mind.
Ah... but it is too late. I must quickly destroy you
so that I may return to my state of compassionate bliss.
Cosmic Disturbance! Cosmic Disturbance!!
It is arising from something in the vicinity - some creature of unwholesome habits and loathsome nature.
Wait! The trance of PLAM PRIKKY overcomes me and clarifies my vision.
I open my eyes and turn my head...YES. There it is before me. The creature I sensed.
Now I am exhausted and must rest.
Ensign, destroy this creature's ship at once.
I shall be in my chambers, recuperating.
Yes. Yes. This is just as it was foretold.
You will now open fire on our peaceful, and all but harmless ship
missing us by 2.7 of your metric units.
We will then regrettably but efficiently destroy you and continue on our way.
Ah, but perhaps you are alarmed by our prescience.
Yes. Sometimes it amazes even us Pkunk.
So it is you!
Once again your negative energy threatens to overwhelm my delicate senses.
Almost I am unable to press the button to activate my ship's armaments.
The pain, the agony!For the sake of all that is good and lovely, I must reach the button
must reach it!...
We have decided that our Yehat siblings are in need of our love and good counsel.
We have waited far too long to return home and heal the wound that has kept our race apart these many centuries.
When we arrive in the Serpentis constellation, we will greet our Yehat brethren with warm hugs of affection
which I am sure shall be returned in kind.
We have set out to return home -- home to our loving, but misguided brothers and sisters.
Please do not try to stop us this time. We are firm in our resolve.
We are dedicated to returning home to heal our dysfunctional species structure.
We understand that you mean well, but there is nothing you can do to dissuade us this time.
I have no patience for this absurd idiocy. Prepare yourselves for battle!So, you choose the dark path.
I am saddened, and yet I feel a certain exhilaration, for with your destruction
the universe will be a better place, and it will be I who cause the change.
Tell me, why do you transmit insults during battle?Unlike certain other species, we Pkunk are an inherently peaceful and loving people.
Combat does not come easily to us.
In order to be at all effective, we find it necessary to whip ourselves into an emotional frenzy.
I require information about your species. Comply at once!Information regarding our species? How nice of you to ask.
Well, first of all, our species doesn't go around demanding information from other species.
Do you know why? Because it's not nice.
In fact, I don't think it's going too far to say it's really RATHER rude.
I find myself very curious about your species.
Please forgive my past actions. We should be friends.Forgive? We Pkunk are hardly in a position to forgive. We ourselves are but
spiritual wayfarers on the road to perfection. Admittedly, we are approaching
the end of the road, while you are still leaving the driveway -- but we are all
Sorry about killing you guys and stuff. I'll try not to blow up any more of your ships.That's all anyone can do... try. We absolve you of your past wrong-doings.
And please, do not thank us. We have taken pity on you and helped you to change
your inner self because we have chosen to heal ourselves and we are you and you
are us, therefore we help only those who heal themselves, and are thereby
helping others. You see?
If you wish our assistance, you should consult with our wise ones
at our homeworld. It's coordinates are 52.2, 52.5.
There! Don't you feel so much better now that we've cleared the air
and can completely trust each other, friend?
Hello! Is anybody there? You are a sentient species aren't you? Forget it. I'm leaving.Perhaps what you need is some time to yourself, alien
time to dwell on your arrogance and general thick-headedness.
Enjoy your solitude, alien. Prolong it as much as possible.
Avast! Delinquent Alien Birds. You are now being conquered.Ah. Yes. Well. At least you are honest.
Uh, excuse me if I may be so bold, but exactly why do you want to conquer us?
I conquer for the greater glory of (alliance name)Did you say the (alliance name)? We Pkunk have long loved the (alliance name). It's our favorite alliance!
It is regrettable, but your resources are needed to fight the war against the Ur-Quan
It sounds like a good cause
but perhaps attacking a peaceful race is not the best way to begin a new, enlightened order.
Enough! One more word and I will simply open fire. I have come here to conquer you and conquered you shall be.You have chosen unwisely, Captain.
Oh heck. Let's just forget it. I couldn't hurt you guys.When I first looked at you, Captain, I knew that you were an advanced soul.
I turned to my first officer, Chrupp, and said
`Chrupp, would you just look at that creature's aura! It's magnificent!'
`the soft blues... the gentle greens... the unusual shades of chartreuse and ocher!'
`This human must be on the side of Truth and Light, Chrupp, he must!'
And then Chrupp said, `Just in case, I am raising shields and warming up the guns.'
I don't think Chrupp likes you, Captain.
Introductions are in order. I am Captain x in command of the z.Yes, yes. We know all that.
We are not known thoughout the galactic sector as powerful psychics for nothing!
Of course we already know the answer to our next question too, but we enjoy conversation
Why have you come here?
We have come to offer you succor. This vessel and its crew are at your service.I am forming a psychic link with you.
I sense that you refer to our conflict with the Ilwrath.
I sense that you are offering to venture singlehandedly deep into Ilwrath space
and do battle with their vast numbers
and I can see that you give not even a thought to the danger you would be in.
You are noble indeed, and I accept your offer of aid, but in spirit alone.
The karmic burden of your gruesome death would be too great.
Still, I say thank you, Captain.
I wish to enlist you in our fight with the Ur-Quan.The fight. Always the fight. We Pkunk are Yin and you are Yang.
I suppose the problem is that the Ur-Quan are a little more Yang than you are.
Well, be that as it may, we are sympathetic to your concerns.
We were not always the mystical, aloof and yet caring, enlightened beings that we are now.
We are on a five year mission, to seek out new life and new civilizations to boldly go where no... well you get the idea. We're kind of exploring.I sense a deeper reason, a deeper conflict.
A conflict of immense proportion, a proportion of deeper reason.
A deeper thing that is not too terribly deep.
A conflicting deeper thing.......uh, I'm not really sure what I sense.
Are you sure there isn't something you want to say to me?
Oh... uh, no reason. We thought we'd just take this baby out for a spin... and here we are.My telepathic sensors are telling me that you are repressing something.
Repress, repress, repress. What is it? Come on. What is it? I see a smile.
You're smiling. Tell Pkunky the secret. Come on, nasty alien gonna tell Birdy Pkunky big secret?
This is just my impression, but they seem rather hostile. Why is that?We have delved most deeply into the dark and greasy heart of the Ilwrath.
And what do you suppose we found there?
Well, we found a torpid, vile, malign, odious, spiteful spirit.
Right, no surprises there.
What did surprise us though, was what we saw when we regressed into their past lives!
It turns out that in their last lives, the Ilwrath were all shining beings of pure light and blissfull love.
They had reached the pinnacle of spiritual evolution and could go no further.
They were perfection.
And then, somehow they got just a tiny bit better
and WHAM, they were all of a sudden totally evil.
Wouldn't you know it, get too perfect and you wrap right around to evil.
That is why we Pkunk strive to be perfect
but always do little bad and annoying things to keep from ending up like the Ilwrath.
When was it that they started attacking you?When? That's easy.
It was exactly 27 thousand rotations of the 7th planet in the house of Plarty Fum
BEFORE the first alignment of the auspicious constellation of Bis Bis
with the heavenly body of Shamla Sool, which was really only a partial alignment.
I guess you would say 8 years ago.
How are you faring in the fight against them?We have calculated that at our present rate of attrition
we will exist only on the spiritual plane in a matter of a year or so.
Of course, the physical realm does hold a certain coarse attraction
a material type quaintness, if you will.
We will be somewhat disappointed to have to leave it.
Happy Days and Jubilation!
We dance the Extreme Frolic and ruffle our feathers in a wild pattern!
Why, you ask? Why do we do these craazy things?
Because the Ilwrath have departed our stars! We are no longer at war!
Whoopdy Dee and Trolly Bazoo!
I am still having a little trouble defeating the Ur-Quan. Any advice?Well, not advice exactly, but I can offer you plenty of moral support.
Also, I can tell you about another dream. Yes, perhaps I will tell you
about my dream. In this dream there was a small creature, fragile
and weak. Above it loomed a much larger creature, dark and
foreboding. The large creature was preparing to take the smaller one
into its slavering jaws, when the little one looked up and said,
`Hold! Why do you do this! What you are doing is wrong!'
This made the large creature pause, while it pondered the question.
Then I woke up, and I'm not sure if the little creature got eaten or not.
Come to think of it, it really wasn't much of a dream.
I would have much preferred Awkky Birdy's dream.
Anyway just thought I would tell you about that.
I can only tell you to contemplate the small gobbet stone.
The stone is spewed forth from the gullet of a Wart Wumpet to land in a moving stream.
Does a fish swallow the stone? Perhaps, but that is not the point.
Is the stone round? Yes!
Does it have little disgusting nodules on it filled with slimy viscous fluid?
What is the point? The point is clear! Make friends with other species.
Even the nasty Charg beast cannot defeat a pack of Ibids
without the help of 7 or 8 Wrinkle Dogs.
I think you see what I am getting at.
Avoid being disincarnated before your soul is adequately prepared for the transformation.
Seek the path of the trumble cart.
Heavily laden, it rocks and weaves, but does it turn over?
Only occasionally. You see?
Also, one other bit of advice, Captain.
For mundane material concerns, seek the help of the one-eyed beings.
They may be found in supergiant stellar systems.
Is there any way to stop the Ilwrath?Hmmm. An interesting question. The answer would be..YES!
If some benign and loving, yet incredibly destructive and powerful force
were to simultaneously rip off all of their legs and drop their putrid egg sacs into steaming pools of molten metal
that would have the desired result of ending the conflict.
Ah...but I jest. Of course I bear the Ilwrath no ill will
how could I, when I am filled only with love.
Let's talk about something else.Yes, you're right. Why dwell on the heinous Ilwrath
when we could speak of flowers, rainbows, fairies, and crystal magic.
Did you know, for example, that there is an invisible fairy spirit at this moment sitting on your head
and making humorous faces at me? Ah, the mysteries of the Universe.
Try to understand 'em, but can you?
Nope, they're mysteries!
What can you tell us of the history of the Pkunk?Ah. An intelligent question. But where to begin?
Surely you know that we Pkunk were once one and the same species as the Yehat.
Yes, it's true. We were once brutal birds of prey, oblivious to the mysteries of crystal magic
or the 7 dimensions of psychic beings.
It was not until Weeny Wikki Beeki Birdi sat on the mystical egg of Icelike Temperature
and gave the Original Squawk
that our transformation began.
It was the Squawk
that triggered the Harmonic Oscillations that would lead us to become the enlightened avians that we are.
What about the Yehat? Are you friendly with them?That depends on how you define friendly.
We love our Yehat brethren, whereas they open fire on our vessels on sight.
Fortunately, our psychic abilities allow us to sense the deep, abiding love
and yes, even shyness in our Yehat brothers and sisters.
How we must have hurt them when we left so long ago.
Soon though, it will be time for the loving reunion
as our destiny is fulfilled and we are once again reunited as one people.
What interesting things can you tell us about your culture?Just off the top of my beak, I suppose I would say
that our culture could be defined as the ultimate unification
or Oneness if you will
of the extradimensional convergent-chakra being-energies
to form a togetherness self which both is
and is not
a culmination of the now essence.
Do you refer to the Now Essence as an extension of the Cosmic Whole, or as a subset of the totality of Oneness?An excellent question. The answer is in itself, an answer, containing the explanation you seek.
Let me just say the revelation includes the mysteries of Pyramid Power
which is merely a subset of the greater and more general Pointy Power.
UFO's and FO's are significant, but their role should not be overplayed.
I'm sorry, but I can be no more specific than that.
Is it true that you can really see into the future?Yes it's... uh... wait... a vision comes upon me!
A shining light -- a crack in the egg!
A swirling vortex... a tunnel. I see my past lives! Your past lives!
More shining light! Ah, there it is now, the future!
It's coming in clearer. Yes. I see tears. Tears of joy!
They are coming from our Yehat brothers and sisters
who welcome us back to the nest, wings outstretched, beaks stuffed with grubs!
Soon we shall return. Soon.
I'd love to hear more, but... the... uh... Oh, would you look at the time. Bye!Yes, you are right. I should be careful not to overwhelm you with my psychic intensities
Perhaps we could talk about something less overwhelming, albeit less interesting.
Your curiosity is understandable. We are, after all, a fascinating species.
Of course, modesty prevents me from talking at length.
Perhaps if you were to ask me specific questions, propriety might be better served.
Where are all your ships?The time has come, Captain, for our reunification with the Yehat.
We must proceed.
We have checked all our chakras and observed our auras.
We are prepared for the great melding of we Pkunk with our Yehat siblings.
Rejoice with us, Captain!
Twice before we have been dissuaded from returning to our ancestral nest
from joining our long-lost Yehat brothers and sisters.
This time we shall not fail.
Our wise brothers and sisters have decided that this moment, though auspicious
is not quite auspicious enough
and as a consequence have decided to return home.
Wait! I am experiencing deja vu! This has all happened before.
You have asked me where our fleets are, and I have answered
that they are returning from their aborted migration to join our Yehat brethren
but wait... haven't I said this to you before?
Frankly, Pkunk, I believe the Yehat will barbecue your peaceful crusaders. Recall them, please!
Your concern for our well-being touches us... makes us love you even more.